He owned me

The next man I dated after the camping trip catastrophe was amazing in many ways. We were together for just shy of two years. Two wonderful, beautiful, tear-jerking years. It may seem strange after my previous experiences with men, but this relationship slowly became one of dominance and submission. We both loved each other and the dynamic of that worked well for us. It really was a beautiful thing for a very long time.

He left me because of his career. He just couldn't hold himself back anymore while waiting for me to pay off my debt to the Old North State. He leaves in June for a place where everyone has a speech impediment that makes them unable to pronounce the letter R and where courageous colonists gave the mother country a piece of their mind several centuries ago with a few crates of tea. I get goosebumps and tear up just thinking of him. He was so much to me, and in some rights, still is. My boyfriend, my best friend, my lover, and my that-sexual-word-for-boss.

Seeing this in print makes my eyes well up and overflow; his departure was unexpected and instant. But after two years, I suddenly wasn't his everything. He changed his mind. He chose pretentious culinary journalism. I had to chose to move on.

I went on a date the very next night, and I am not ashamed. I was a woman whose needs had been neglected for what felt like a century. I should explain what was not beautiful about the relationship that had just ended; he was sexually selfish and in my undying desire to please him I never asked for more than what he gave. In two years, he "reciprocated" as many times as I can count on one hand. The night he broke things off, many things became clear to me. Most of these things were how unacceptably he had treated me. I had been treated like dirt on his shoe, made to feel six inches tall. He never insulted my physical appearance, I must credit him with that but my opinions hadn't mattered. He'd shut me down for so long that being amenable and quiet had become second hat. And he'd lied. He'd said he'd wait for me. He said that my scholarship requirements were not a deal-breaker, but in the end it didn't shake out that way.

So about that date the next night, it was incredible. Instant chemistry. Talking so much at dinner that I barely ate, talking that didn't stop but was only intensified by strolling the local art galleries, two incredibly strong and sexy martinis, and a couple hours at his house. I just cannot verbalize or quantify how much one evening showed me I was worth. It was a worth I hadn't seen for two years, maybe for twenty one years.

And now I'm back on my feet and having a ball. I'm a new woman. I have conquered rape, I have seen the hideous face of abuse rear its mangy head, and I have been sublimated with a smile on my face. I have a new motto:

I'm gonna love myself more than anyone else
Believe in me, even if someone can't see
The stronger woman in me

I'm going to be my own best friend
Stick with me till the end
Won't lose myself again, never, no,
'Cause there's a stronger woman,
A stronger woman in me

-Stronger Woman by Jewel

Also, feel free to shoot me now for quoting Jewel (who reminds me quite vividly of the fifth grade). More importantly, please consider donating to RAINN.